It is currently the 15th of July – this means there are 138 days until summer officially starts in the southern hemisphere. Now, I thought I was ready for the summer. I wouldn’t have cared if you put me in a bikini tomorrow. However, an experience today made me realise – actually, I do care.
I have recently undergone some major things in my life. I was caught completely offguard by it and it has resulted in my hormones being completely out of whack. I would love to share more detail with you but for now I can’t bring myself to do so. Just know that it has lead to a 4-5 kilo weight gain and to be honest, I am completely devastated by it.
This morning I took Bella for a swim and apart from hardly being able to contain myself in my bikini top, I felt completely uncomfortable within my own skin. It’s a feeling that has slowly crept up on me over the past month or so.
Body confidence is such a huge thing for me. It’s what I work incredibly hard at instilling in my daughter (hence her persistent nudity in my Instagram stories) and it’s something I worked incredibly hard at regaining post-baby and post-separation.
Now I’m not saying body confidence only occurs when you’re stick thin. Body confidence can only ever occur when you’re comfortable within your own body. Something of which I am not at the moment. I can feel the extra weight in my face, in my thighs and in my stomach even when I’m not actively thinking about it. It makes me uncomfortable in my clothes, it makes me uncomfortable when I’m sitting and I have a general slow feeling in my being – something that only those who have experienced it will understand (I hope).
My hormone imbalance has lead me to be lethargic, have an insatiable appetite and ridiculous cravings. Whilst I understand the cause of these symptoms, being woman, I’m reluctant to be gentler on myself or to have patience as my body heals.
In an attempt to make sense of what I’m going through as well as attempt to hurry the healing along, I thought I’d blog about it and use it to help any of my readers who are going through the same thing. The SUMMER ESSENTIALS series will focus on how we get to the level of self confidence we strive for. It may not be a number on the scale, or a dress size, it will be where you feel most energised, where you feel confident within yourself to socialise, a place where you’re proud to be you and share who you are with the world.
I know where I need to be. And ironically, given what I’ve just harped on about with scales, I can gauge how close I am to feeling good within myself by knowing my weight. This number isn’t one I’ve pulled out of thin air or from googling a celebrity’s measurements, it’s a result of experience. When I was pregnant, I gained about 25 kg and by the time I had lost the weight, I still felt unhappy. Post separation, I started to lose weight again and when that started happening, I started aiming for 52 kg – because that’s what I thought was going to be my happy number. Suddenly, I reached 56kg and that was it for me. I finally felt comfortable in my own skin, there was no weight in my bones or my mind, I was energised and I realised that was where I was meant to be. Now I’m not sure if losing the extra 4 kg would have made a difference to my happiness. Sure, I would have looked more streamlined in my skinny jeans but who cares. I was at a place where I was happily wearing the skimpiest of bikinis, my body and mind was balanced, I was excited to get out everyday. I had found my happy number.
So that’s what I’m aiming for now but I understand I may need to adjust either side depending on what my body and mind tell me. I’m using summer as my motivation. I think most of us doing our best living in summer so let’s do this together. This is going to be our summer.
Take some time to reflect this week and work out what you want to achieve within yourself and your lifestyle. It’s not as hard or as daunting as it seems. It does, however, take you prioritising yourself.